If I was drowning in a pool of my heart’s blood before, I have sunk to the depths of my heart’s seabed. I know everyone goes through heartbreak. I have been truly struggling since he ended it 3 weeks ago. I am concerned about writing about this on Charcoal Ink as I don’t want to put you all off the blog’s more cheerful nature, however, Charcoal Ink exists because Memphiz and I are human beings, made of flesh + blood. We go through pain and happiness as you do. This is hopefully an update for the last time.
Since I saw him last week, I had been in so much pain. All I could think about was how sad I was to lose the relationship and how I wanted us to work it out. Even though when we last met, I told him to only contact me if he wanted to get back together, I broke the no contact rule after 6 torturous days. In a moment of sheer weakness, on Thursday morning in the early hours around 5am, I sent him a text message saying how I could not stop thinking about him, how I wished we could try and work it out and most of all, how I was worried about him and how I wanted him to be safe and happy, and that’s all I ever wanted. I just want him to be happy – I love him.
I know this was a huge mistake now, but at the time, I woke up in a sweat just thinking about him and how I was crumbled under the pressure of not speaking to him for 6 days. I know no contact is the only way but I just have been struggling so much.
At the 11th hour on Thursday evening, he replied.
The general gist of his text message back was that he had not forgotten me, and he was trying to keep his distance as I made him promise to do (not sure what this means – I told him to contact only if he wanted to get back together). The rest of his message said that he was worried about me, and he felt terrible and guilty about what he has put me through. That said, he wrote that his point of view has not changed since we met last week.
I was crushed at how he wrote that his point of view had not changed. I did not send that text to break no contact to get back together – I just felt so weak and sad, and I wanted him to know how much I loved him. I know I should not have contacted him because I heard something I did not want to hear, which was that he had not changed his mind.
I can’t believe a month ago, he gave me beautiful flowers and was happy to be with me, as we hugged each other after he went travelling. We were so happy, just 4 weeks ago, or at least he gave me the impression he was happy. I keep thinking about his actions over the past few weeks, and how they literally do not make any sense.
I know I have to try and move on, it has been 3 weeks since he wanted to end it. I just find it staggering that only a few days prior to our fight, we had a great day and we both affirmed our love for each other. How can love fade so quickly + someone just want to be away from me when we showed that we were in love?
I have not replied to the text message and nor will I, because I know I need to do no contact in order to move on. I hope I can move on and meet someone who wants to love me, instead of play these weird games where my ex boyfriend loved me on Monday, Tues, Wednesday yet on Saturday, he wnated to end it all.