Update on issues of the heart

I’m grateful that you were all trying to give me advice since the last time I updated you about this break-up. It’s been over a fortnight or so since he told me he wanted a break, and over a week and a bit since he broke up with me.

Since my last update, I felt like I was drowning in a pool of my heart’s blood literally. I have been gasping for air because this thing has literally wreaked havoc on my life. It got to the point where I was rewinding the whole relationship and second-guessing everything and trying to figure out what I had done and what I had done wrong. And then I am slowly realising that this is not me per se, but someone else’s issues about how to deal with problems in a relationship. I feel a huge wave of disappointment, not against me because I gave the relationship every gram of my being, but I feel disappointed that he claimed to care and love me while having these doubts. I have my act together – I want to be happy and successful and I hope I can be in a relationship with a man who wants to grow with me.

What has happened:

I know many of you said no contact, and I have been reading blogs which advocated this but I was so confused and in so much pain. I was not sleeping because I did not know what went wrong. I organised to meet up with him and we did on Thursday at the Hilton bar here. I felt like we needed to talk because things happened so quickly from A) I want a break to a few days later to B) I want to break-up.

Here’s what I told him when we met on Thursday:

  • I told him that this relationship inspired me to be a better person and that I learned lots of things from him, and that when we first started together, I liked that he was relaxed and calm and that inspired me to be more calm in my life.
  • I told him I hoped that his business here would be as successful as he wanted it to be and that he reached all of his goals, because I am sure I will read about him in Forbes or Fortune one day
  • I told him that he is not the only one who had doubts! I told him that I had doubts about him too, but the difference is I told him before that I was concerned that he was younger than me. He knew that the fact he is 22 worried me because I was not sure that it was a good idea going out with someone three-four years younger.
  • I told him point blank that outside his immediate family and his best friend, there was no one who wanted him to be successful as much as me because we always shared the details of each other’s lives together.
  • I told him how bad this whole thing made me feel and that I was having trouble sleeping because of the emotional pressure that this out of the blue break up brought on me.

All in all, I think he needed to hear how much he hurt me because I did not get to show it on the Wednesday when he ended it. I don’t know whether this was a good idea, but I was totally honest in that I told him how when he had come back from Denmark in June, I had wanted to talk to him seriously about the UK in terms of me going back. I did not want to lay any pressure on him, but I wanted him to know that I really wanted this relationship to work which is why I wanted for us to talk about me going back to the UK. Although now, the visa deadline is looming and I don’t even know if I can make it – I am really second-guessing everything.

His reaction was mainly quiet and pretty subdued – he just listened as I told him how unfair and horrible he handled it. If you think you don’t love someone anymore, tell them when the feeling first surfaces! That is what I told him categorically. For his part, he apologised and said that he was sorry and that he was doing it with the best intentions, because his ex girlfriend used to always tell him I want to break up each day and they stayed together for a long time, so he thought that him keeping quiet was better because he didn’t want me to be upset. (*side-eye*).

At one point when I was talking, his eyes were really red and they were watering and he did look like he was about to cry. This is when I was telling him about how important the relationship was to me, and how I felt like I met someone who finally understood me. Whether they were crocodile tears, who knows? I also asked him if he ever had sincere feelings for me and he said that he did. What blindsides me is the flowers thing  and the consistent affirmations of love, and less than one week later, you say you want to go on a break?

I really cared about this guy. I thought we could build something together that was long term. I never chased him. He is the one who wanted a relationship. And now this thing happened out of the blue. He just said that because he did not love me that does not mean he does not care about me – which I thought was rich considering that he had shown me that he loved me. Only several days prior to telling me he wanted to go on a break, we were emailing each other and I told him how I loved him and he told me he loved me back.

Finally, I told him that he should never contact me again unless he wants to get back together or if he is sick. Then, he asked me to let him know if I was okay and I repeated the no contact thing I said: don’t get in touch with me unless you want to reconcile. I did something very stupid afterwards: I asked him to kiss me (I WAS WEAK I KNOW) and he did. We hugged, he drove me home and in the car he was asking me if I was going to go back to the UK and I told him that I did not know.

Was it his youth that killed this or did he not know what he wants? I suppose I will never know. But I am left picking up the pieces, and I am very confused over my future now.


3 thoughts on “Update on issues of the heart

  1. I have been away for awhile and not really on the internet. I am really sorry to hear all this Aulelia. Break ups suck, there is no way around it. You have to go through all those painful emotions first before you can think about it rationally. Releasing that pain is the most important thing right now.

    The bottom line is that if things are meant to work out with this guy or anyone else, they will. I think you were very strong in setting boundaries for contact with him. Also, please do not give up on your return to the UK if this is what you want. Maybe that move is the best thing for you.

    • It’s been pretty shattering for me emotionally. I’ve lost 3 weeks of my life to basically no sleep and waking up feeling sick with fear over this break up. I cracked under the pressure of 6 days of no contact and sent him a message saying how much I missed him and how I wanted to work it out because I felt so much and we seemed happy. I immediately felt bad but what can I do? It’s how I felt. He replied saying basically that his feelings had not changed about us breaking up and that he felt terrible about how he hurt me.

      I really thought we were going to end up together, so this wound is pretty deep.

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