I wish I could be chiselled about my career the way Beyonce is. I wonder if she ever felt like she would never make it.
I have been feeling like that every day since I have been back in East Africa. Most of you know the background of why I am here (to resubmit a project), but now I am feeling very worried.
Background : my resubmission deadline is September 2010. If I pass my Masters this final time round, I can apply for what is called a post-study visa and go back to the UK for (God willing), the end of next year. If I don’t pass, I can’t apply for a visa to go back there.
Situation: Currently, I can’t stop thinking about how I feel like I will never reach my vision or dreams. It is very scary for me. I feel stuck here. I feel like my life is on pause here because I want to be back in London, working on my ideas.
Here’s an excerpt of an email I wrote to one of my friends today detailing how I feel:
I think in a way, I feel like all my career and work dreams have been sabotaged by this resubmission because I had my hopes to be in London fulltime this year. Obviously you have to roll with things when they happen but I feel like I am losing so much time to succeed and be where I want to be by being here. I really want to pass this Masters for the right reasons because I know I deserve it and it would be nice for my mum too, but it seems so far away and incredibly hard to attain.
Thanks for all of your ideas my dear! They are good. It’s a real headfuck for me Loz. I feel like my options are like so:
1) If I pass this MA, which I pray will happen, I can apply for the Post-Study Visa which tentatively means that I could be back for 2011
2) If I don’t get this Masters or for unknown reasons cannot apply for the Post-Study Visa, then I will be stuck here indefinitely.
But then you know when your mind goes in overdrive, what if this happens or what if this happens?
I do want to be successful and work and my ideas are really important to me but then another part of me is like, what if I try and do everything in my power to go back to London but end up being brassick for the next 11 years?
Then part of me is like what if I can’t get a visa to go back to London and then have to stay here for God knows how long doing work that I do not believe in?
I’m really terrified. I feel like all my friends in London like XXXXX are all living your lives and I feel like my life is on pause. It’s very confusing and weird right now for me. But then I feel like what if I go back down the line one day and I can’t make it in London? It is a source of great confusion for me right now. I don’t know how to explain it.
I want to be happy and live within the remit of what I see as success. I see me being successful as achieving my career goals emotionally and financially and most importantly, achieving my vision of communicating opportunities to people.
- I want to own my own media company that communicates opportunities to people.
- I want to create a charitable trust that provides scholarship money to African and Caribbean people worldwide to promote African-Caribbean development.
- I would like to be financially independent and secure to the point where I can support my family such as my mum when she retires later on this year.
It was not in my plan to be back in Africa so soon or indefinitely as yet, because I want to be back in London.
I am really confused about my future.
What if I have to stay here for the next couple of years owing to circumstance, do I put my career dreams on hold or do I change them?
—Very very confused—