First date sex?

Girl, you gon’ cry
(Tears of joy)
Tears from your eyes
No cards or candy; gimme them panties
Girl, I’m your gift tonight
Girl, you gon’ cry
Tears from yo eyes
Don’t wanna disrespect ya, know I just met ya
But we both know we want…
First date sex
(You want)
First date sex
(I want)
First date sex
That don’t make u a groupie to do me
Girl, we both know we grown
First date sex
(You grown)
First date sex
(I’m grown)
This for my niggas
Sip ya liquor
Roll a swisher to this.

(Please pardon the use of the n-word, it’s not my doing of course.  For the rest of the lyrics,  click on the link below or copy/paste into your browser.)


I first heard this song, a remix of the original song “Birthday Sex” by new artist Jeremih, a few months back and I was kind of surprised.  Maybe it’s because I’m not as experienced as some people, who knows.  I started out kind of late in the game due to family upbringing (which wasn’t the best and was repressive at times).  I was of the understanding that it wasn’t really okay to have sex, or do much of anything else for that matter, on the first date .  It demonstrated that a woman wasn’t worthy of having a relationship because after all, if she had sex with someone that easily, why should a man take her seriously?

So when I heard this song, I said to myself (and others), “So this is the new “in” thing now?”

In general, women are seen as “less than” on a daily basis.  Women have numerous double standards placed upon them – staying “pure” until marriage, having very few (if any) sexual partners, working and being good mothers while getting paid less than men, etc. So it surprised me to see that the “rules” have changed.  It’s now “okay” for women to have first date sex, or even one night stands, and men won’t look at them any different and will even respect them in the morning.  Women can now do the same things that men do and it’s quite alright.  We’ve evolved from being Neanderthals to being on the same level in all aspects of our lives, especially when it comes to love and lust.

Or have we? Is this what really occurs – in Black culture across the Diaspora (and even in other cultures if you want to broaden the topic), do men find this okay?  Does it really work out the way that the above lyrics spell it out?  How do women think/feel about this?

And just a fun fact – the continent of Australia is #1 for one night stands.  Australians are quite alright with one night stands and, supposedly, don’t look at each other any different for it.  It’s very common there.  How funny that I’m going there at the end of this month.  It’ll be interesting to see this phenomenon in action.  (I don’t plan to take part in the phenomenon, but I’ll damn sure watch.  *wink*)



18 thoughts on “First date sex?

  1. ph2072, I have just thought of something which I would like to get your opinion on.

    What about sleeping with a man who you are sexually attracted to and personally a little, but aren’t in love with?

  2. Reading the posts here I am astounded by the forthright exploration of contemporary issues. I enjoy the intelligent dialogue and varied viewpoints. I have to say that on this particular issue I am a bit disappointed. And saddened. ph2072 you are too intelligent and too good for a one night stand. You seem like a good and decent person. Frankly, you deserve better. Anyone who thinks they can get anything from a one night stand other than regret and a ruined reputation is sadly misinformed.

    Don’t be brainwashed by popular culture. People say they want intimacy without commitment. Casual sex. No strings attached. Except there is always a price. When two people are intimate there is an exchange that goes beyond the swapping of bodily fluids. There is an immediate emotional toll that is exacted on the woman. It’s in our DNA, we are hard-wired to bond with anyone we mate with. It’s called oxytocin. The more casual sex a woman has the more it depletes her emotional well-being. Men are not an exception, they suffer too. They are somewhat better at distancing themselves emotionally from the act, but it eventually catches up to them. When the man is done playing the field and ready to settle down with “the one” he discovers he has poor relationship skills and has brought too much emotional baggage to the union (what T.D. Jakes refers to as “junk in the trunk.”)

    Do an honest self evaluation. Do you really want to settle for a casual sexual encounter? I’ve had friends tell me after a casual encounter that it did not live up to their expectations…I could give some humorous anecdotes. Really though, there are some potentially serious health consequences of casual sex. As a former health educator it was my job to notify patients of their positive test results for sexually transmitted diseases. Some patients were married and quite distraught because they had to inform their spouse…(which reminds me when you are partying in Australia, keep in mind that a lot of guys lie and say they are single when they are not). Left untreated an STD can cause sterility, even death.

    So ask yourself, is it worth the risk? Is a moment of physical pleasure worth the emotional toll and physical threat of disease? I haven’t even touched on the moral implications…I’ll leave that to the experts 🙂

    The real problem I believe is lust. The actual act is so fleeting I think most people are let down by how unfulfilling casual sex is. A good book on this is “Sex is not the problem Lust is” by Shannon and Joshua Harris.

    • Cynthia, you have 100% written EXACTLY how I feel about the topic. Charcoal points to you for the whole WEEK!

      Casual sex never ever works.

      • I personally don’t know anyone for whom it’s worked.

        Have you ever seen the movie “Knocked Up” with Seth Rogen and Katherine Heigl? That is another example of how all forms of media make it seem as if one night stands can work. They basically meet, have sex the same night, she gets pregnant, they become a couple with some bumps in the road, and they live happily ever after.

    • Thank you for your response Cynthia. Let me clarify that I’m not agreeing, or disagreeing, with one night stands. I’ll put it out there that I’ve never been involved in one. This is just a post exploring this particular issue – how the male-dominated music industry makes songs like this and leads women to believe that times have changed. And even though times have changed, there isn’t anything new under the sun and the double standard will continue.

      And thanks for the book recommendation too.

      P.S. I used to be a health educator also. The things I’ve seen and heard are no joke. 😐

      • I understand this is an exploration of a really relevant topic. Its becoming the in thing to do along with sexting and swinging.

        Its funny that you were a health educator also.

        I really hope people, especially young ladies, take time to evaluate the results of their actions and take time to think things through from a spiritual perspective. You can have fun without buying in to the debauchery.

        Enjoy your trip!

  3. They still reserve the right to humiliate you. Going back years, there have always been songs like this, but back then it was “I want you to love me” or “let me love you down” or whatever. Don’t let this song fool you, men still have the balance of power in their favour. /sad.

    • Exactly….. which is why I don’t understand why they even bother making songs like this. So again – If men continue to judge women about sex and sexuality, why do they even bother making songs like this?

      The only thing I’ll differ with you on is the songs from years ago. They were nicer, complimentary, respectful. Hell, some were downright brilliant. Now, it’s “You remind me of my Jeep…”, “B—h swallow, b—h gargle…“, and “All up in your slot till I fuckin’ hit the jackpot.” 😐

  4. I think there is definitely still a stigma attached to it for women. Perhaps the men may be okay with it, but what about other women? Women oftentimes judge other women much more harshly than they judge men or than men judge women, I think.

    I also sort of feel like there can never be true equality when it comes to first date sex or a one night stand, simply because women have the capacity to get pregnant. Men can do it (though it doesn’t mean they should) with many fewer strings attached and much less responsibility than women.

    • I agree with you – women are much more harsher judges of each other. And again, I wonder if it’s societal/cultural conditioning, or are women just wired that way. Same goes for the “risks” of first date sex or one night stands.

      If men continue to judge women about sex and sexuality, why do they even bother making songs like this?

      Eh. I ask too many questions. *wink*

  5. It depends on the person. I have a friend who has always been like a guy when it comes to sex and one-night stands. She’s just as happy to “love ’em and leave ’em as most men. However, most women, if they’re being honest, might be able to say they can do one-night stands but really don’t like it as much as sex with some type of emotional bond. It’s just how we’re wired and it’s difficult to change that.

    • That’s interesting. Is she really fine with that, or do you get the sense that she is putting on an act? Based on many experiences I’ve witnessed, women aren’t able to do it without strings attached OR without being seen as a whore/slut/insert negative word here. And also, are women really wired like this, or is it societal/cultural conditioning? Look at Australia as an example. (When I get there, I’ll have to ask around.)

  6. Hi ph!

    To be honest, I think having fewer sexual partners before marriage is the way to go especially if you are a sensitive person like me because sex can wreak havoc on your life if you are not doing it emotionally.

      • @ph2072, I think it is just because on the whole, sex makes women attach to men quicker. And once THAT happens and he does not love you, it will be a battle.

        @Cynthia, in some ways, I wish that I had waited until I was married before I lost my virginity. I don’t know whether or not I will try forever to wait until marriage but I do know for 100% that sex during marriage is the best way to show someone you love them.

        For me, the fewer sexual partners before marriage, the better. Just stops you from getting hurt.

        • “For me, the fewer sexual partners before marriage, the better. Just stops you from getting hurt.”

          I agree with you.

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