This is going to sound awful but…


ebony mag 1979

[Image from EBONY/Jet archives]

…..is anyone else getting the impression that it is getting hard to meet brothers these days? And is anyone else noticing that it is becoming more colourist & shadist these days on the scene? I should say that I am concentrating on getting trying to make a career for myself and I am very passionate about my project. But I have also been thinking about the future too. I don’t do short-term relationship things so the next person I go out with has to be for long term.

When I was going to visit a friend in Hackney yesterday, I saw this really black attractive man on the bus. He had a Drake-esque thing about him. I should stress I find all spectrums of black men attractive, so light and dark so in that sense I definitely do not discrimate. However, I know this is going to sound bizarre but I have noticed that I don’t ever really get looks from light skinned men. I always tend to get looks from older men (maybe 30+) and overwhelmingly they also tend to be dark-skinned. Now, I am not saying that my femininity is not validated because young, light-skinned men don’t like me as such, because my femininity is validated by me, myself & I, but I am definitely starting to notice a pattern whenever I am out and about.

Do you ever wonder if you attract a certain type of man, in terms of looks & what he is about? Again, looks are preliminary but they do not matter to me at all. I’d rather be with a man who wasn’t good looking but had a great heart.

It’s just a little something I have noticed that I tend to have the more African-guys who look at me. It makes me wonder whether light-skinned men actually like dark-skinned girls but I realise that it is very dangerous for me to make a sweeping generalisation based on that.

I like all black men from the Wesley Snipes lookalikes to the Cab Calloways of today — I just have noticed that there seems to be a compartmentalisation of darker skinned women which troubles me, because I am starting to get the impression in London that a light skinned girl can get a dark-skinned guy & a light skinned man, but it seems less likely for a dark-skinned woman to attract a dark-skinned man & a light skinned man.

Is it the same where you live?

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18 thoughts on “This is going to sound awful but…

  1. I’m 23 and have a medium brown complexion (think Sanaa Lathan), usually the men that hit on me are around my complexion or little darker, but not extremely dark or light skin. I rarely get hit on by very light or dark skinned males for some reason. I usually see lighter skinned males paired up with darkskinned females and vice versa.

    • @Asha That’s very interesting. I hardly see light skinned men here with dark skinned women, but I think that also has to do with the fact that you Black Americans are more conscious than black people who live here.

      I don’t mean that in a shade way, because I definitely do NOT identify with being black in Britain. I am African.

  2. Aulelia,

    Here is my two cents.

    It also should be noted that it isn’t just Black people who deal with this issue. South Asians (Indians) are notoriously color struck. So are Mexicans and Asians. Often we think, as Black people, that we are the only ones dealing with certain pathologies but we are not alone. Colonialism did harm to all sorts of people around the world.

    So while a Black guy may be chasing a South Asian woman, a South Asian man might be chasing a White woman, and a Asian guy might be chasing a Black woman, and so on and so on.

    We’ll all be stuck on this crazy racial merry-go-round until people of color begin to share their racial problems with each other. Then maybe we can over come them together.

    • To be honest Monie, I don’t really see how other ethnic groups’ views on colourism is relevant to the discussion of whether black men are dumping black women, simply because other ethnicities issues with colour are not on the same level with what we go through.

      I have to say, it frustrates me to hear this argument of well ”we are not the only ones”. To me, it’s another way of running away from the argument of how we can get more black couples together and staying together.

  3. It’s like i said, the black men in the uk, are in a sellers market, they have the high end of the market, white women, black women and asian women desire them , it’s socially accepted in most places so , why not. Our society fetishises the black man based on stereotypes about his sexual prowess and vigourous love making and what man will ever turn that reputation down.

    So even a one shoe worthless DSS, benefit cheat brother can pick and choose women ,on skin tone hair texture and facial characteristics……

    meanwhile, where do we as black women figure, can’t speak for you all, but i get drunk old men of all colours who feel that i should be grateful, as if my colour disbars me from having standards.

    life sucks!

    • LMAO at this… “one shoe worthless DSS, benefit cheat brother.”

      I think Black women have contributed to the situation by putting Black men up on a pedestal and refusing to look at other choices. Their heads are so swelled up now, lol. And they love having women fighting over them, playing right into their harem fantasies.

      But make no mistake ladies, Black women have PLENTY of admirers out there. Don’t believe the hype. Just get in where you fit in.

      • @Aisha, your harem comment is on point. And the comment about swollen up heads. 😉
        I would like to go out with a black man, but I have dreams of marriage, family + love so I am trying to build for those.

        • “I would like to go out with a black man, but I have dreams of marriage, family + love so I am trying to build for those.”

          This is exactly how I feel. It’s a shame it seems to be one or the other nowadays. But I feel like i can’t let life pass me by because I’m waiting on one type of man.

          • I do agree — you definitley can’t let life pass you by. I was telling a friend of mine that seriously, I am planning for the future and even though I am in my early 20s, I pray that God will bless me with a a child before I am 35 so I am working hard towards that goal.

      • “I think Black women have contributed to the situation by putting Black men up on a pedestal and refusing to look at other choices. Their heads are so swelled up now, lol. And they love having women fighting over them, playing right into their harem fantasies.”

        Absolutely on point. It’s sickening, really. 😐

        “But make no mistake ladies, Black women have PLENTY of admirers out there. Don’t believe the hype. Just get in where you fit in.”

        Doesn’t seem like it, but we’ll see. 😐

        As for me, a Black Yankee, only foreign Black men like me – Caribbean and African. Why Black Yankee men don’t like me and only foreign Black men like me is beyond me, but it bothers me. 😐 Maybe I’m too dark for the Yankees and perfect for the foreigners? *shrugs*

        Who knows. Men are “special”. 😐

        • So interesting that African-American men don’t respond to you compared to foreign black men.

          Could this be because foreign black men are exposed to seeing images of more black women in their media?

          • I have no idea. I just know that I want my fellow Yankee men to like me dammit. 😐 :-/

            Actually, I tend to think that it’s because they believe that Black Yankee women are “easy” – good enough to f–k but not good enough to take home. :-/ Just my opinion.

            • This is one massive problem. I think on the whole, many brothers want an easy fuck but they also don’t want you to be one. It’s frustrating but is another reason why I am seriously considering on finding the man who will walk me down the aisle before I give it up even though I am not a virgin.

        • “As for me, a Black Yankee, only foreign Black men like me – Caribbean and African. Why Black Yankee men don’t like me and only foreign Black men like me is beyond me, but it bothers me. 😐 Maybe I’m too dark for the Yankees and perfect for the foreigners? *shrugs* ”

          This is what I mean. Why not try to find the best foreign Black man you can and forget about the Yankees, lol.

          • Eh. LMAO. It’d be nice for someone similar to me, to like me. Who knows. Being single is much simpler. Can’t be bothered. 🙂

  4. Aulelia said:
    “is anyone else getting the impression that it is getting hard to meet brothers these days? And is anyone else noticing that it is becoming more colourist & shadist these days on the scene?”

    It’s been this way for a long time! It’s just that now, Black men are more comfortable openly expressing their feelings. I have noticed colorism from little Black boys since a very early age. I would say about 50% of Black American men are colorstruck, and I think I’m being kind here.

    However, I’ve noticed the opposite of you. It seems that the darker guys don’t want anything to do with women who look like them. They tend to idolize lighter women. Not only that, but even light skinned Black women aren’t enough now. A lot of them want Hispanic, Asian, White, etc.

    The important thing is that you don’t let this affect your self-esteem. Remember that you are attractive and have a lot to offer, and put yourself around men who agree. Instead of the looking at the Black men who are ignoring you, focus on who DOES like you, regardless of race. The great thing about London is that you have attractive guys from all over the world-that is a huge advantage.

    • @Aisha, girl, you better say it because you know what you have written is the truth.

      I 100% agree that black men are colourstruck. That is very true and also true here in London. I also agree that dark-skinned men in particular want to go out with light skinned women, moreover than black women. I had just noticed that more dark-skinned men were interested in me than light skinned blokes. I don’t think I will get a complex about it, but it is something that I am starting to see more and more.

      Honestly, whenever I see a black girl out and about and if she is with a man, the man is either:
      a) white
      b) dark-skinned but he looks like he is ”conscious” if you know what I mean.

      I really haven’t seen a light skinned guy with a dark-skinned girl properly which makes me wonder whether they think that dark-skinned women aren’t ”good” enough for them. I do also feel like beautiful black girls don’t register on their radar either.

      Of course it is about finding someone you are compatible with but I didn’t know it would be this hard to meet another brother.

      Seriously — the dearth in suitable black men to go out with is a real problem and one that can’t be swept under the carpet.

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